Punishment vs Discipline: What Actually Works

Punishment vs Discipline.

Behaviour guidance isn’t about control; it is about connection and skill-building.

What is discipline?

Parents struggle with being too firm or too lenient on their children, or that the children refuse to listen, but discipline is not behavioural correction but guiding the child to understand how to manoeuvre in the world with the right values, and it fosters mutual respect between child and parent while allowing children to have intrinsic motivation to do right, with problem-solving skills and a sense of security (W, 2025). After disciplining a child, the parent and child should grow closer together while the child gains new skills.

Rewards and punishment?

Rewards and punishment are traditional methods of teaching that are deeply ingrained in society’s collective mindset, but children need discipline instead for guidance and direction, as punishment causes children to remember the consequences more than their actions, leading to lies, and if children feel they are bad, then the more they will do bad things (Taprell, 2020). Children can become resentful of adults or ashamed of their actions, which will not produce desirable behaviour. A child should be allowed to feel confident and safe, and not be afraid of punishment for wrong behaviour.

The role of punishment is to decrease behaviour, whereby positive punishment is to give an adverse consequence, and negative punishment is to take away something good (Tan Meng Yin, 2020). Two examples would be removing a child’s play time because he hit his brother, or scolding the child for touching a hot oven. Sometimes, due to safety concerns, a punishment can be necessary, but it is not a long-term solution compared to discipline.

The role of adults

Discipline is about adults understanding children, offering logical consequences to teach children about responsibility, and fostering parent-child relationships (Taprell, 2020). Adults are crucial in guiding children correctly, while teaching responsibility along with the skills. Children can also learn from their actions about what consequences can occur. If a child were to damage a toy due to anger, the consequence is that the toy must be thrown away or repaired.

Positive expectations

By having positive expectations from the start, teachers can empower children to have skills to prevent behavioural or school troubles, as children do not lack motivation but skills for success, and also external rewards like token systems may not work because intrinsic motivation for success can decrease or cause children to learn that if they do not do well, it means they are not trying (Parrish, 2025). Teachers may tend to fall into a spiral of negativity due to past experiences, but they should always think of the best in children. Also, while there is nothing fundamentally wrong with reward charts, the main focus should always be on helping children to be self-motivated when doing good.

Therefore, these are the solutions for guiding children’s behaviour. Teachers can be more empathetic and understanding, to understand their issues, offer a listening ear to their troubles, and work together with them to create solutions (Parrish, 2025).

 

References

Parrish, N. (21 August, 2025). A Collaborative Approach to Skill Building Helps Address Challenging Behavior. Edutopia. Retrieved from https://www.edutopia.org/article/addressing-challenging-behavior-school-skill-building/

Tan Meng Yin, E. (2020). SPE105 Management of behaviour in special education (study guide). Singapore: Singapore University of Social Sciences.

Taprell, K. (13 August, 2020). Why Punishment Doesn't Work and What Does. The Therapist Parent. Retrieved from https://www.thetherapistparent.com/post/why-punishment-doesn-t-work-and-what-does

W, L. (28 April, 2025). What Effective Discipline Really Looks Like: What If Discipline Wasn’t About Control But Connection. Utah State University. Retrieved from https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/blog/discipline-strategies-that-work-how-to-build-respect-responsibility-and-resilience-in-your-child

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Handling Hitting, Biting, and Aggression

Aggression in young children.

Stay in a preschool for more than a few hours, and one can observe a child getting injured by a peer or hear loud cries of agony. Then (hopefully), you will see a concerned adult immediately running towards the aid of the injured child and then being firm on the perpetrator. Welcome to a normal day in kindergarten.

In this article, some observable factors as to why a child displays violent behaviours will be discussed, then some other underlying reasons are also stated, and finally, suggestions for parents or teachers to deal with these situations will be provided.

To kick things off, here are three reasons why violent behaviour is happening: The environment, the inability to speak, and imitation.

How does the environment affect aggression?

The environment affects the types of aggression children show, particularly biting, and adults need to see beyond the behaviour to understand the reason behind it, usually caused by an unfamiliar environment with challenges, as children attempt to interact with each other (Piazzaroli & Fiamenghi-Jr, 2018). A child might get frustrated at a peer’s action, or he might be struggling on his first day of school. If the root issue is not resolved, aggression will definitely happen again.

Children are still learning to speak

From the moment they are born until they are almost four years old, children will display reactions based on whether they like or dislike an environment, because they use fewer words and more gestures, possibly violent ones, to get what they want, such as owning a space, having a toy, or getting an adult’s attention (Piazzaroli & Fiamenghi-Jr, 2018). While adults should teach children to use language to get what they want, before they can use words, adults should be vigilant and observant in the classroom. They have to understand triggers before they happen and set up a learning environment that ensures such incidents will not occur, such as providing plenty of learning materials.

Children will learn anything

Children will repeat behaviour in school based on what they learned at home, but the most crucial aspect is that adults mediating during conflicts can help children understand that there are other ways to respond, particularly in providing situations for children to learn how to respond (Piazzaroli & Fiamenghi-Jr, 2018). Teachers and parents can create false situations and get children to problem-solve, to pre-empt them on positive or negative behaviours before they occur. Similarly, they can also learn appropriate responses to prevent other peers from hurting them.

Other reasons for aggression in young children

Although there are also some underlying reasons that aggression occurs more frequently, this proves that children are not as simple as adults may think they are.

Children with mood disorders, such as bipolar disorder, can be very aggressive on one hand or only aggressive when triggered, while children with psychotic illnesses like schizophrenia are triggered by internal reasons because of fear and display violence towards others (Silva, 2025). These mood disorders can cause a child to switch in emotions, and they have consistent emotions and thoughts that are difficult to handle, which need early medical attention to improve their life in the future (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, 2026).

Even children with cognition or communication problems will lash out when they are unable to communicate their needs and emotions, whereas for impulsivity like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), these children are not aware of their actions and may hurt others unknowingly, and for those with conduct disorder are deliberately hurting others and require certain treatments (Silva, 2025). Both ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) are mental disorders that can cause a child to display violence more often, and they need therapy to help cope with these symptoms.

Injury and trauma are also reasons for aggression, because when the frontal lobe is damaged or when a child has epilepsy, aggression can occur at any time, whereas trauma occurs when a child recalls stressors in the situation, and they need help if aggression persists (Silva, 2025). Compared to mental disorders, a physical injury or traumatic event is more obvious in understanding how or why a child reacts in a certain manner.

How to deal with aggressive behaviour?

Lastly, here are some suggestions on how to deal with a child who displays violent behaviour.

Discipline is not punishment, but punishment is just a form of discipline, and there are five steps teachers can respond to bad behaviour: Firstly, teachers have to understand their influence on behaviour, secondly, teachers need to be assertive, thirdly, teachers need a discipline plan with written rules and consequences, fourthly, teachers help children to reach the plan, and fifthly, teachers guide children on appropriate behaviour (Martella, Nelson, Marchand-Martella, & O'Reilly, 2012). It is often said that prevention is better than cure, and while not every behaviour can be analysed as discussed above, it is wise for teachers to have a clear understanding of child behaviour and to pre-empt incidents from happening.

If an incident were to happen, the goal is to ensure it does not happen again, by understanding the root of the issue because when a child is angry they are no longer thinking, so a timeout will not work but may encourage the behaviour to reoccur, so an adult should help the child to regulate emotions as he displays aggression because he is hurting, then when the child is calm the adult can use reasoning to explain other alternatives than hitting someone (Markham, 2013). During the heat of the moment, an adult may feel it is necessary to punish the child who hurt someone; moreover, it is the adult’s responsibility in that setting. However, the wrong actions could lead to a spiral of negative behaviour.

Therefore, these are the possible reasons for aggression to occur in young children, and there are some steps an educator or parent can take.

 

References

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. (2026). Mood Disorders in Children and Adolescents. Retrieved from Children's Hospital of Philadelphia: https://www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/mood-disorders-children-and-adolescents

Markham, L. (10 June, 2013). When Your Child Hits Your Other Child. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201306/when-your-child-hits-your-other-child

Martella, R. C., Nelson, J. R., Marchand-Martella, N. E., & O'Reilly, M. (2012). Comprehensive behavior management: Individualized, classroom, and schoolwide approaches. Los Angeles: Sage.

Piazzaroli, R. F., & Fiamenghi-Jr, G. A. (2018). Why Do Children Bite Each Other? American Journal of Social Sciences and Humanities, 3(1), 48-54. doi:10.20448/801.31.48.54

Silva, R. (30 January, 2025). What Are Some of the Causes of Aggression in Children? Retrieved from Child Mind Institute: https://childmind.org/article/aggression-in-children-causes/

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What to Say (and Not Say) During Challenging Behaviour

Positive and negative reinforcement.

Sometimes it is not what an adult says but how they say something that matters. The more an adult wants to stop a child’s tantrum, the more the tantrum could escalate even further, and so it is important to understand what not to do (Hershberg, 2024).

Firstly, here are the things adults should do when faced with a child having the biggest tantrum, namely, positive language and positive reinforcement.

Use positive language

Positive language is a great discipline strategy, and adults showcase warmth and care towards students when they use it directly, allowing children to learn actively and stay engaged, while also communicating rules and boundaries clearly, and reinforcing existing positive behaviours (Responsive Classroom, 2024). A parent can commend on a child being neat or doing his homework promptly without reminders. This can reinforce a desirable behaviour.

Use positive reinforcement

Reinforcement is about reinforcing a behaviour through giving or removing something, so positive reinforcement is to add rewards or praise to encourage a child to repeat a desired behaviour, and teachers should focus on the positive to motivate children, so they know that doing well is rewarding, rather than knowing the negative effects of misbehaviour (Martella, Nelson, Marchand-Martella, & O'Reilly, 2012). What someone focuses on will indeed grow, so rather than feel frustrated over the negative behaviour, it is better and easier to celebrate the positive.

Praise is a common positive reinforcement technique, and it can increase a child’s intrinsic motivation, helping the child to gain a sense of competence (Sutherland, Wehby, & Copeland, 2016). Praise has to be specific, helping the child to understand exactly what he or she is being praised for.

Secondly, here are the things adults should never do, namely, focusing only on the negative and undermining a child.

Never focus on the negative

When teachers focus only on negative behaviours, they reinforce such disruptive behaviours (Mundschenk, Miner, & Nastally, 2011). In every school, there is a teacher who seems to be angry or fierce all the time, and these teachers are both feared and revered by adults and children alike. However, how often do their techniques work? To children, bad attention is better than no attention, and thus, even if they can behave at their best when disciplinary teachers are around, difficult children quickly go back to their normal states when they are gone.

Never undermine a child

It is easy to undermine a child’s reactions to trivialise their emotions, but adults should respond to tantrums seriously and honestly to teach them that even difficult emotions are part of life and learn to cope with them (Hershberg, 2024). Adults have countless years of experience, and just like how it is unreasonable to expect a newbie at the job to learn everything quickly, children need the time to grow and develop, to understand themselves and others.

Therefore, whether it is teachers or parents, the spiral towards deep resentment and disappointment is easy to fall into when it comes to taking care of young children. Sometimes it is better to take a step back, try to see the child’s positive side and emphasise it through positive reinforcement, understand the child is still learning, and will someday display the appropriate behaviour with the proper guidance.

References

Hershberg, R. S. (15 August, 2024). What NOT to Do When Your Child Is Having a Tantrum: Tips on responding to difficult toddler behavior. Retrieved from Child Mind Institute: https://childmind.org/article/what-not-to-do-when-your-child-is-having-a-tantrum/

Martella, R. C., Nelson, J. R., Marchand-Martella, N. E., & O'Reilly, M. (2012). Comprehensive behavior management: Individualized, classroom, and schoolwide approaches. Los Angeles: Sage.

Mundschenk, N. A., Miner, C. A., & Nastally, B. L. (2011). Effective Classroom Management: An Air Traffic Control Analogy. Intervention in School and Clinic, 47(2), 98-103. doi:https://doi.org/10.1177/1053451211414190

Responsive Classroom. (9 October, 2024). Want Positive Behavior? Use Positive Language. Retrieved from Responsive Classroom: https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/want-positive-behavior-use-positive-language/

Sutherland, K. S., Wehby, J. H., & Copeland, S. R. (13 September, 2016). Effect of Varying Rates of Behavior-Specific Praise on the On-Task Behavior of Students with EBD. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, 8(1), 2-8. doi:https://doi.org/10.1177/106342660000800101

 

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The Brain Behind Big Emotions

The Brain Behind Big Emotions.

What happens when a child is having a tantrum? An adult’s actions could determine whether the child goes back to normal or continues making a fuss in public.

They need you

Children and toddlers are not yet able to self-regulate, and so adults need to be present to guide them, because the skill to calm themselves down only starts after three years old (Briggs, 2024). It is common for adults to feel frustrated when a child does not understand what they should be doing. But, children are still developing and thus adults need to be realistic about what they can or cannot do at the moment.

You are the role model

Adults need to have the skill to self-regulate and be a role model so they can guide a child, so when a child displays tantrums, adults stay calm and use techniques such as setting proper expectations, understanding the child’s emotions, speaking less, teaching self-soothing, or even having a break (Briggs, 2024). During a child’s tantrums, it is tempting to reason about what he or she should or should not be doing. But this can cause the child not to learn how to self-regulate.

When the tantrum stops, reasoning starts

The Arc of the Tantrum states five zones that a child goes through during a tantrum: Normal, escalation, dysregulation zone, calming down, and back to normal (Parenthood Understood, 2026). This is a useful tool for teachers and parents to understand how to guide a child’s behaviour. Sometimes the best method is to give the child some space when the child is triggered.

The brain's primal response

A trigger typically leads a child from normal to escalation, which starts the tantrum and when the tantrum reaches the peak, it is called the dysregulation zone, and the child’s brain enters a “flight-fight-freeze” state, though they will naturally calm down on their own and finally be back to normal (Parenthood Understood, 2026). When a human feels that they are in danger, the brain gives an automatic and primal response, be it to fight, flee, or freeze, because the brain wants to protect them, though this may be an overreaction because not every threat is life-threatening (Baker, 2008). It is therefore important that adults understand that the child needs help. Allow the child to calm down and reach a normal state, because the tantrum could escalate again, then talk to him or her to guide their behaviour.

Consistency is key

A great parenting tip is for parents to always begin with consistent rules and consequences, as children need structure to manage their behaviour, and rules can set boundaries, while consequences offer rewards and punishments for the rules (Baker, 2008). If a mother shows that rules can be broken simply because she is tired or wants to be nice, a child will get confused as to the correct behaviour. If a behaviour is unacceptable, it is unacceptable regardless of the situation.

Focus on the child

But there are times when rewards and punishments fail to work with a rowdy child, and sometimes adults need to let go of the concept of whether the behaviour is intentional and instead focus on changing the triggers or guide the child to deal with the triggers (Baker, 2008). If the child refuses to do his homework, try to understand why. Did the child get laughed at in school? Or does the child feel inadequate in dealing with failure? If so, comfort him or her and do not scold for not doing the task.

Therefore, as teachers or parents, they have to be calm and capable of self-regulation. Take the time to understand the child’s behaviour and give space for the child to calm down before using reason. The child is still learning about self-regulation and may not be intentional with the “bad behaviour”. Lastly, adults should always ensure their rules are consistent.

References

Baker, J. (2008). No more meltdowns: Positive strategies for dealing with and preventing out-of-control behavior. United States of America: Future Horizons.

Briggs, R. D. (15 July, 2024). Adult Coregulation Leads to Child Self-Regulation. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/on-babies/202407/adult-coregulation-leads-to-child-self-regulation

Parenthood Understood. (2026). The Arc of the Tantrum – Resources. Parenthood Understood. Retrieved from https://parenthoodunderstood.com/blog/2018/09/17/the-arc-of-the-tantrum-resources/

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5. Development in Middle and Late Childhood (Part 2)

Life-Span Development.

The last study unit, which will be divided into 2 posts again. This will be about middle and late childhood, and the last post is about adolescence. I have essentially covered development from infancy to adolescence. It is quite productive to force my thoughts on writing using this blog, as a form of self-revision. When the lockdown is over, I wonder if I can find time to do the same for my other semesters.

Anyway, let’s get started with Socio-Emotional Development.

Socio-Emotional Development involves Personality Development, Emotional Development, Moral Development, and the social context of development.

When we talk about personality, we are talking about the self. We are referring to Erikson’s psychosocial theory, not about whether this person is introverted or extroverted. Self-esteem refers to global evaluations of the self while self-concept is about domain-specific aspects. Self-esteem is a whole, self-concept looks at one area. Growing up, I think I lack in both. I had an indulgent parenting style leading me to have low problem-solving or even self-esteem issues. When everything is handed down to you, you have no reason to fight. There were also issues in my family that were brushed away, simply because I was “a child”. A child does not need to know why the family is fighting. A child is too ignorant. Maybe if we airbrush everything, the child will not understand.

Self-esteem should be healthy. Too much leads to arrogance, too little leads to a sense of inferiority.
In Erikson’s theory, the 4th stage is Industry vs Inferiority. In this stage, children learn to have mastery over tasks, or they feel “inferior” about themselves. Adults have a choice of catering for their healthy development, or negative growth. As they discover what they can do, we should build an encouraging environment. We should raise their self-esteem.

These are 4 ways to do so.
1. Identifying the causes of low self-esteem
2. Provide emotional support and social approval
3. Help children achieve
4. Help children cope

These children are aged to 12 years old. Adolescence is a tricky age, so while parents still have some control over them, they should make use of that opportunity. Give them room to grow, independence, but ensure that you are with them. They are still unable to make sound decisions. Should I go to this Secondary school? They still need your guidance.

For Emotional and Personality Development, these changes occur. Improved emotional understanding, an increased understanding that more than one emotion can be experienced in a particular situation, marked improvements in the ability to suppress or conceal negative emotional reactions, an increased tendency to take into fuller account the events leading to emotional reactions, the use of self-initiated strategies for redirecting feelings, and a capacity for genuine empathy.
We have learned that Sternberg has mentioned 3 intelligences, Analytical, Creative, and Practical. Gardner has 8 intelligences. Regardless, both theories touch on social skills. Practical intelligence and interpersonal intelligence. Often parents neglect the social skills in favour of academic prowess. Being able to read and write does not determine success, I always emphasise to these parents. If our priority is set right from the beginning, we do not have to struggle with the child’s negative dispositions when it comes to social interaction, or even pay to go for classes that teach social skills.

Goleman also talks about 4 main aspects of emotional intelligence.
1. Developing emotional self-awareness
2. Managing emotions
3. Reading emotions
4. Handling relationships

Then, I shall move on to Moral Development. Piaget’s theory on moral development is about how a child does not understand rules, then think rules are unchangeable, and finally understand that rules can change and that the intention should be considered with the behaviour. Moral development can also be discussed in conjunction with Lawrence Kohlberg’s theories. There are 3 levels, with 2 stages each, so essentially there are 6 stages for a person to go through.

1. Preconventional Reasoning (Stage 1: Heteronomous morality [I must obey, or face punishment], Stage 2: Individualism, instrumental purpose, and exchange [If I am nice to others, others must be nice to me])
2. Conventional Reasoning (Stage 3: Mutual interpersonal expectations, relationships, and interpersonal conformity [I adopt my parents’ moral standards, and I value trust, care, and loyalty when making moral judgments], Stage 4: Social systems morality [I start to consider social order, law, justice, and duty])
3. Postconventional Reasoning (Stage 5: Social contract or utility and individual rights [I believe that rights, values, and principles are more important than law], Stage 6: Universal ethical principles [I follow my conscience, even if the decision is risky])

Prosocial behaviours is a positive aspect of moral behaviour, where the individual considers the needs of others. Altruism is unselfish interest in helping someone else. Both are desperately lacking in our Singapore context.

Next, I will move on to Social Context- Families. Though at this stage, children prefer to spend time with their friends more than families, families are still an important part of their lives. They are still able to negotiate with their children on their behaviours, but once they reach adolescence, it can be challenging. Moving on to Social Context- Peers. Children channel more energy to build friendships. During this stage, they are in the Primary Schools. They will spend more time together as a class and even after-school activities.  Again, the virtue of prudence is necessary here, in which children learn how to choose their friends wisely. At this age, they have a YOLO mindset, where they want to try everything. Later on, I will share more about why adolescence tends to do so.

Friendships serve 6 functions. Companionship (spend time together in collaborative activities), Stimulation (interesting information, encouragement, amusement), Physical Support (time, resources, assistance), Ego Support (friends provide support, encouragement, feedback, helps them see themselves as competent, attractive, worthwhile individuals), Social Comparison (helps the child to know if they are okay), and Intimacy and Affection (self-disclosure takes place). So, with these factors, it is no wonder parents might feel distanced from their children. It is not that they hate their parents, but they need friends to feel good about themselves.

Next, I will move on to Peer Status. There are 5 types. Popular children (best friend choice of many, rarely disliked), Average children (Balance of positive and negative nominations), Neglected children (Infrequently nominated as the best friend, not actively disliked by peers. I am part of this group), Rejected children (Infrequently nominated as the best friend, actively disliked by peers), and Controversial children (frequently nominated both as the best friend and being disliked). There are rare cases of controversial children, from what I recall in Primary School. These children seem to switch back and forth. They can be nice to you today, but nasty the next day. Strange.

References
Kong, G. S. (2020). SWK104 Human Growth and Life-Span Development (Birth to Adolescence) Study Guide (5CU). Singapore.

Santrock, J. W. (2019). Life-span Development (17th Edition). New York: McGraw-Hill Education.

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Dangers of Giving Mobile Devices to Children

Child with a phone.

Aww. Look at the little girl playing on the smartphone. Technology enables us to teach our children when we, as educators or parents, are too busy. But remember, technology should never become a substitute for human interaction.

I have seen so many children playing on tablets or mobile phones at such a young age. When I was 6, I was learning to use a Windows PC. I remember feeling so scared when I unplugged the headphone audio jack by mistake. Nowadays, children are able to open and close apps on their own.

I do understand why people would want to leave kids on the electronic devices. Sometimes you are too busy. Sometimes they just want a little bit of entertainment. I am not saying it is wrong to give tablets to children, but do it moderately.

Here are 4 reasons why parents SHOULD NOT give tablets/phones to children:

1. Behaviour

Children screaming.

Being a preschool teacher, I have seen how some children are always restless. If their behaviours are not properly corrected and nurtured, they will not learn well in school. Whether it is inappropriate content or unpleasant words, children learn things very quickly.

2. Delayed gratification

Child waiting.

The thing about games is that they offer instant gratification. What it means is that if you complete a task, you get the reward immediately. When you kill this monster, you level up. When you complete 10 hours in the game, you get an achievement. Does this happen in real life? When you say a kind word to someone, will they say it back? When you ask for a present, will you always get it?

Life is cruel, let's face it. Children need to learn that things don't always go the way they want them to. While it sounds obvious, people just don't get it. Children need to be patient.

3. Spoiling

Child with gifts.

A good way for a kid to grow up with bad character is to always shower them with gifts. While the act of giving is not wrong, too much is a bad thing. If your child has done something good, praise him. If it is something great, bring him out. Giving him an electronic device offers room for even greater demands. I know, as I was once a little boy. If your child constantly demands it, it might be good to understand and change their behaviour.

4. No time with you

Child and parents with phones.

Imagine a parent and a child at a restaurant. Both of them are using their phones. You might end up leaving the restaurant only remembering the person you were chatting with, and not the one you were literally just sitting across from. How ironic that we spend more time with a person through a phone than with one sitting next to us.

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