What to Say (and Not Say) During Challenging Behaviour

Positive and negative reinforcement.

Sometimes it is not what an adult says but how they say something that matters. The more an adult wants to stop a child’s tantrum, the more the tantrum could escalate even further, and so it is important to understand what not to do (Hershberg, 2024).

Firstly, here are the things adults should do when faced with a child having the biggest tantrum, namely, positive language and positive reinforcement.

Use positive language

Positive language is a great discipline strategy, and adults showcase warmth and care towards students when they use it directly, allowing children to learn actively and stay engaged, while also communicating rules and boundaries clearly, and reinforcing existing positive behaviours (Responsive Classroom, 2024). A parent can commend on a child being neat or doing his homework promptly without reminders. This can reinforce a desirable behaviour.

Use positive reinforcement

Reinforcement is about reinforcing a behaviour through giving or removing something, so positive reinforcement is to add rewards or praise to encourage a child to repeat a desired behaviour, and teachers should focus on the positive to motivate children, so they know that doing well is rewarding, rather than knowing the negative effects of misbehaviour (Martella, Nelson, Marchand-Martella, & O'Reilly, 2012). What someone focuses on will indeed grow, so rather than feel frustrated over the negative behaviour, it is better and easier to celebrate the positive.

Praise is a common positive reinforcement technique, and it can increase a child’s intrinsic motivation, helping the child to gain a sense of competence (Sutherland, Wehby, & Copeland, 2016). Praise has to be specific, helping the child to understand exactly what he or she is being praised for.

Secondly, here are the things adults should never do, namely, focusing only on the negative and undermining a child.

Never focus on the negative

When teachers focus only on negative behaviours, they reinforce such disruptive behaviours (Mundschenk, Miner, & Nastally, 2011). In every school, there is a teacher who seems to be angry or fierce all the time, and these teachers are both feared and revered by adults and children alike. However, how often do their techniques work? To children, bad attention is better than no attention, and thus, even if they can behave at their best when disciplinary teachers are around, difficult children quickly go back to their normal states when they are gone.

Never undermine a child

It is easy to undermine a child’s reactions to trivialise their emotions, but adults should respond to tantrums seriously and honestly to teach them that even difficult emotions are part of life and learn to cope with them (Hershberg, 2024). Adults have countless years of experience, and just like how it is unreasonable to expect a newbie at the job to learn everything quickly, children need the time to grow and develop, to understand themselves and others.

Therefore, whether it is teachers or parents, the spiral towards deep resentment and disappointment is easy to fall into when it comes to taking care of young children. Sometimes it is better to take a step back, try to see the child’s positive side and emphasise it through positive reinforcement, understand the child is still learning, and will someday display the appropriate behaviour with the proper guidance.

References

Hershberg, R. S. (15 August, 2024). What NOT to Do When Your Child Is Having a Tantrum: Tips on responding to difficult toddler behavior. Retrieved from Child Mind Institute: https://childmind.org/article/what-not-to-do-when-your-child-is-having-a-tantrum/

Martella, R. C., Nelson, J. R., Marchand-Martella, N. E., & O'Reilly, M. (2012). Comprehensive behavior management: Individualized, classroom, and schoolwide approaches. Los Angeles: Sage.

Mundschenk, N. A., Miner, C. A., & Nastally, B. L. (2011). Effective Classroom Management: An Air Traffic Control Analogy. Intervention in School and Clinic, 47(2), 98-103. doi:https://doi.org/10.1177/1053451211414190

Responsive Classroom. (9 October, 2024). Want Positive Behavior? Use Positive Language. Retrieved from Responsive Classroom: https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/want-positive-behavior-use-positive-language/

Sutherland, K. S., Wehby, J. H., & Copeland, S. R. (13 September, 2016). Effect of Varying Rates of Behavior-Specific Praise on the On-Task Behavior of Students with EBD. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, 8(1), 2-8. doi:https://doi.org/10.1177/106342660000800101

 

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The Brain Behind Big Emotions

The Brain Behind Big Emotions.

What happens when a child is having a tantrum? An adult’s actions could determine whether the child goes back to normal or continues making a fuss in public.

They need you

Children and toddlers are not yet able to self-regulate, and so adults need to be present to guide them, because the skill to calm themselves down only starts after three years old (Briggs, 2024). It is common for adults to feel frustrated when a child does not understand what they should be doing. But, children are still developing and thus adults need to be realistic about what they can or cannot do at the moment.

You are the role model

Adults need to have the skill to self-regulate and be a role model so they can guide a child, so when a child displays tantrums, adults stay calm and use techniques such as setting proper expectations, understanding the child’s emotions, speaking less, teaching self-soothing, or even having a break (Briggs, 2024). During a child’s tantrums, it is tempting to reason about what he or she should or should not be doing. But this can cause the child not to learn how to self-regulate.

When the tantrum stops, reasoning starts

The Arc of the Tantrum states five zones that a child goes through during a tantrum: Normal, escalation, dysregulation zone, calming down, and back to normal (Parenthood Understood, 2026). This is a useful tool for teachers and parents to understand how to guide a child’s behaviour. Sometimes the best method is to give the child some space when the child is triggered.

The brain's primal response

A trigger typically leads a child from normal to escalation, which starts the tantrum and when the tantrum reaches the peak, it is called the dysregulation zone, and the child’s brain enters a “flight-fight-freeze” state, though they will naturally calm down on their own and finally be back to normal (Parenthood Understood, 2026). When a human feels that they are in danger, the brain gives an automatic and primal response, be it to fight, flee, or freeze, because the brain wants to protect them, though this may be an overreaction because not every threat is life-threatening (Baker, 2008). It is therefore important that adults understand that the child needs help. Allow the child to calm down and reach a normal state, because the tantrum could escalate again, then talk to him or her to guide their behaviour.

Consistency is key

A great parenting tip is for parents to always begin with consistent rules and consequences, as children need structure to manage their behaviour, and rules can set boundaries, while consequences offer rewards and punishments for the rules (Baker, 2008). If a mother shows that rules can be broken simply because she is tired or wants to be nice, a child will get confused as to the correct behaviour. If a behaviour is unacceptable, it is unacceptable regardless of the situation.

Focus on the child

But there are times when rewards and punishments fail to work with a rowdy child, and sometimes adults need to let go of the concept of whether the behaviour is intentional and instead focus on changing the triggers or guide the child to deal with the triggers (Baker, 2008). If the child refuses to do his homework, try to understand why. Did the child get laughed at in school? Or does the child feel inadequate in dealing with failure? If so, comfort him or her and do not scold for not doing the task.

Therefore, as teachers or parents, they have to be calm and capable of self-regulation. Take the time to understand the child’s behaviour and give space for the child to calm down before using reason. The child is still learning about self-regulation and may not be intentional with the “bad behaviour”. Lastly, adults should always ensure their rules are consistent.

References

Baker, J. (2008). No more meltdowns: Positive strategies for dealing with and preventing out-of-control behavior. United States of America: Future Horizons.

Briggs, R. D. (15 July, 2024). Adult Coregulation Leads to Child Self-Regulation. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/on-babies/202407/adult-coregulation-leads-to-child-self-regulation

Parenthood Understood. (2026). The Arc of the Tantrum – Resources. Parenthood Understood. Retrieved from https://parenthoodunderstood.com/blog/2018/09/17/the-arc-of-the-tantrum-resources/

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