The Brain Behind Big Emotions

The Brain Behind Big Emotions.

What happens when a child is having a tantrum? An adult’s actions could determine whether the child goes back to normal or continues making a fuss in public.

Children and toddlers are not yet able to self-regulate, and so adults need to be present to guide them, because the skill to calm themselves down only starts after three years old (Briggs, 2024). It is common for adults to feel frustrated when a child does not understand what they should be doing. But, children are still developing and thus adults need to be realistic about what they can or cannot do at the moment.

Adults need to have the skill to self-regulate and be a role model so they can guide a child, so when a child displays tantrums, adults stay calm and use techniques such as setting proper expectations, understanding the child’s emotions, speaking less, teaching self-soothing, or even having a break (Briggs, 2024). During a child’s tantrums, it is tempting to reason about what he or she should or should not be doing. But this can cause the child not to learn how to self-regulate.

The Arc of the Tantrum states five zones that a child goes through during a tantrum: Normal, escalation, dysregulation zone, calming down, and back to normal (Parenthood Understood, 2026). This is a useful tool for teachers and parents to understand how to guide a child’s behaviour. Sometimes the best method is to give the child some space when the child is triggered.

A trigger typically leads a child from normal to escalation, which starts the tantrum and when the tantrum reaches the peak, it is called the dysregulation zone, and the child’s brain enters a “flight-fight-freeze” state, though they will naturally calm down on their own and finally be back to normal (Parenthood Understood, 2026). When a human feels that they are in danger, the brain gives an automatic and primal response, be it to fight, flee, or freeze, because the brain wants to protect them, though this may be an overreaction because not every threat is life-threatening (Baker, 2008). It is therefore important that adults understand that the child needs help. Allow the child to calm down and reach a normal state, because the tantrum could escalate again, then talk to him or her to guide their behaviour.

A great parenting tip is for parents to always begin with consistent rules and consequences, as children need structure to manage their behaviour, and rules can set boundaries, while consequences offer rewards and punishments for the rules (Baker, 2008). If a mother shows that rules can be broken simply because she is tired or wants to be nice, a child will get confused as to the correct behaviour. If a behaviour is unacceptable, it is unacceptable regardless of the situation.

But there are times when rewards and punishments fail to work with a rowdy child, and sometimes adults need to let go of the concept of whether the behaviour is intentional and instead focus on changing the triggers or guide the child to deal with the triggers (Baker, 2008). If the child refuses to do his homework, try to understand why. Did the child get laughed at in school? Or does the child feel inadequate in dealing with failure? If so, comfort him or her and do not scold for not doing the task.

Therefore, as teachers or parents, they have to be calm and capable of self-regulation. Take the time to understand the child’s behaviour and give space for the child to calm down before using reason. The child is still learning about self-regulation and may not be intentional with the “bad behaviour”. Lastly, adults should always ensure their rules are consistent.

References

Baker, J. (2008). No more meltdowns: Positive strategies for dealing with and preventing out-of-control behavior. United States of America: Future Horizons.

Briggs, R. D. (15 July, 2024). Adult Coregulation Leads to Child Self-Regulation. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/on-babies/202407/adult-coregulation-leads-to-child-self-regulation

Parenthood Understood. (2026). The Arc of the Tantrum – Resources. Parenthood Understood. Retrieved from https://parenthoodunderstood.com/blog/2018/09/17/the-arc-of-the-tantrum-resources/

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